Alphabet of Life-ing: God

Link to project page if you haven’t read it from the beginning:

https://rescloset22.wordpress.com/category/the-alphabet-of-life-ing-project/
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God and I have a very strained relationship at times and, to be honest, that’s my fault. God is the type of entity that has arms spread wide open always to anyone, no discrimination. He wants everything that I hold. The thing is I like holding on to the bad things sometimes. They’re mine and they comfort me. It’s when I’m truly alone that they become a burden and they eat away at whatever light is left. God wants it, he wants all these bad things because he can take them on better than I can.

The thing about Him is he doesn’t ask sometimes. Either that, or he’ll wait for a blind spot. A moment where I’m in great need and I open myself up exposing every ugly shattered thing. He takes surgical pliers and pulls and untwists them. He doesn’t keep them, but throws the mangled pieces away or crushes them between his index finger and thumb. He tells me to be patient because there’s work to be done and I cry out in pain. Although he’s taking the jagged and filthy portions away, it hurts because of how long it’s been attached to me. It’s fused in with all these important things and as he peels and pulls, my chest caves and I fight to breathe. Every nerve of my body is on fire and I cry like a newborn.

Being at church, hearing and giving praises. Listening to his words. . .readingĀ  them and watching them manifest. . .with every thing I soak in, with every moment I allow myself to receive him, I feel like this. An overwhelming wave of both pain and relief: the two most confusing emotions to feel at the same time. Although I don’t allow Him take everything in one sitting, I pray for the day I can.

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Life Update: Brief Absence

My posting hasn’t been extremely frequent, but it’s because of an extreme lack of motivation. Have you ever been so close to finishing something that the thought of its finality kind of hangs over you and makes you want to delay it being finished?: yeah, I’m going through a lot of that. My art book project is nearly finished and my story was halted by a fear of finishing the letter I started (I’ll be posting that after this). I also just wasn’t sure what else to write about beside my projects and things. I didn’t even feel like my life was worth writing about, but I finally got some energy and will be posting a bunch of things tonight (by a bunch, I mean two or three more posts after this). At the end of this post is my sun shiny face while drawing and drinking coffee. The shot was not purposeful, I just felt like taking a selfie. . . . .it happens sometimes. . . .

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Alphabet of Life-ing: Fear

Link to project page if you haven’t read it from the beginning:

https://rescloset22.wordpress.com/category/the-alphabet-of-life-ing-project/

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My fears are small and possibly normal, depending on who you are, what your fears may be, and what your version of ‘normal’ is. I have a tendency to care for them rather than get rid of them. It’s because I allow myself to be controlled by them. They make up the rules I set for my life to keep myself from getting hurt and, in turn, I have to keep them around. They’re etched like tattoos inside my brain and manifest themselves into tangible beings when they need to. They’re the whispered thoughts that inhabit my brain, telling me dark nothings that cause lack of sleep to post it’s status on my face.

I feel weighed down, but it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to imagine what I’d be without them. Without the fear of being loved, I’d be hurt too often. Without the fear of acceptance, I’d be pushed away. Without the fear of curiosity, I’d possibly be demonized by a body of people composed of love. Without the fear of comfort, I might be looking for release in the wrong places. These fears I have act as my sheild and my survival. How can I live without them and how could they live without me?

I’ve become ruled by them, so my unsolved problems, doubts, and worry wreak havoc as my body continues to move forward. Without these fears I know I’d be lighter and maybe even happier, but it’s a weight that I don’t want to let go of. At least not right now when I need it the most.

Bitch Mondays: Speeches

I’m terrified of speeches and there are a few reasons why:

#1: I don’t like being looked at

#2: I get nervous when I am the main focus

#3: Talking to human beings in general makes me slightly nervous on a daily basis

I just recently got a speech back from my communications class and I got a B-. . .the teacher decided to be extra nice to me. . .My first speech, I actually got an ‘A’, but that’s because my topic was way more personal and I was comfortable with it. The second speech I chose a topic that A: I wasn’t passionate about and B: I was no where near experienced or comfortable with. It was on batteries. . .which isn’t really my expertise. . . .I almost died giving that speech and I’m lucky to come out of it with a ‘B-‘. . .if I picked something I knew more about, I would have died a little less, and probably would’ve ended up with an ‘A’, but that ‘A’ would’ve came from the writing, not the performance. . .because I’m not good at it. . .which I’m okay with because I’m going to be a Medical Examiner so. . . .I won’t have to give speeches O.O