So, I’ve been busy (which is normal because the school year does that), but I’ve realized so many things that I knew already. . .they’re just more obvious now. Those few things would be that:
- I can’t study in my room if my bed exists in there. . .it just can’t happen
- Being in an apartment means living with people. . .that has it’s problems
- Being in a new place means being alone . . .that’s not that much of a problem
- Being alone means (as a Christian) that I’m realizing the importance of my relationship with Christ. . kind of a really cool and intimate experience
- a 15 minute break can turn into a two hour break . . .just like an hour nap can turn into a five hour nap. . .
- Conviction is real. . .and it’s something that’s not meant to make you feel bad, it’s just a mental fist palm to the mind.
- Not being prepared will bite you . . .and after it’s done biting you, it will realize you’re delicious and eat you . . .
That’s pretty much a synapses of the last month and a half of my life. In terms of school, those 7 are the summary of what my relationship with school has been so far. In terms of projects, I’ve realized that I have to fund the money myself (not a problem since the promotion portion kind of took the longest stand still in existence), but I’m still very much into making the art book a reality. I really don’t want to give up on it just because I and a few other close friends are the only ones who really believe in it. If anything, that just gives me a drive to want to do it more.
Recently, in terms of my faith, (and by recently I mean 20 minutes ago) I was at a meeting for a group that wants to help young pregnant teens and share the gospel with them. At first, I didn’t really want to go because I was being extremely lazy and didn’t want to bike all the way to school. For some foreign reason after church, I ran so fast back to my apartment to get dressed, get my bike and my backpack to head to campus that by the time I got there, I didn’t quite understand what had just happened. All I knew was that I was 15 minutes late and covered in sweat hoping and praying that I could still be apart of the meeting despite my extremely unfashionable late-ness. They welcomed me with warm smiles and greeted me like I was on time (which was a relief and a blessing in itself). They talked about the program and gave a brief synapses on mentor training and understanding the relationship that should be had between the young mothers and the mentor. Briefly, they discussed how we should really make sure this is something we should be doing and that it should be on our hearts to pray about whether God is calling out for us to do this. They also mentioned taking time think about how we came into Christ and sharing that the next time we meet.
The second I heard the comment about whether God really wanted us to do this or not, I kind of mentally cringed because, although I had come all that way to get there, I was suddenly extremely unsure. I have so much to work on as a person and I’m not the healthiest person emotionally or mentally at times. Although I am a believer, it was hard for me in that moment to properly validate whether it was something I should be doing or not. It also made me think about my personal relationship with God and realizing that, sure, I’m not perfect in this moment, but imagining where I was several years ago with Him is a different story entirely.
Just to give a short version of how I came into Christ, I’ve always felt that I knew Him in terms of His presence being something I couldn’t ignore. From the time I was young ’til now, I haven’t had a doubt that God exists and that Christ was this extremely wonderful and awesome thing. Granted, you can believe that and still not be completely 100% with Christ. I went through a period where I had a super dynamic thing happen to me that reoccurred between the ages of 5 and 12. I was a kid, so I can’t say that I was conscious of what I was doing as a whole, I just knew that it gave me the attention that I wanted at the time. When it ended, religiously I questioned a lot of things, this being the few:
-Am I still a virgin? What does that mean?
-Does God hate me? Did I do something wrong?
-How do I move forward? How do I fix this part of myself?
-How do I fulfill this need?
I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it with and, despite knowing who God was in terms of the dictionary definition, I didn’t quite understand how He felt about me at the time. All I could assume was that He hated me as much I hate myself. My parents never taught me that God didn’t condemn. Actually, as I write this, I realize that they may have unintentionally taught me the opposite. As I got older, I had issues in school because I was emotionally confused and I wanted the same feeling I was getting, but in a way that was socially acceptable. Either way, for some reason, I sought comfort in people that hated me. I’d like to think that it was because we shared a mutual hate of the same person, but I couldn’t really understand half of the reason why I was incredibly needy for attention. This was also a portion of my life where I had to take responsibility for my five siblings more than usual, so my childhood was shut down pretty quickly, and I had to learn to think about someone other than myself, which is hard for a kid. Within all this, I was angry at God. I wasn’t making friends well, I couldn’t look at myself without hating the person I saw, I was upset constantly by the past, I was trying to take care of five little people and deal with school, my parents were so involved with themselves, and I didn’t really feel like I mattered. It was easy for me to blame God because I wasn’t understanding how He worked. I had this very genie-bottle-esque picture of Him when that is the complete opposite of who and what He is. High school was better because I was coming to terms with myself and trying to understand my problems, but I still wasn’t getting rid of them. I had more patience with God because I knew that He was there with me, but I didn’t know how much of Him was there (still trying to grasp the concept of his being was difficult because I was holding myself by my own standard in a lot of ways). Not until I got to my first year of college, away from the negativity of my father, away from the responsibility of five amazing children, away from an environment that I didn’t realize affected me as much until I left it, was I finally able to see the beauty of God and the amazing things He has to offer me. I knew He was there, but it always seemed conditional. I always felt like because I had reserve for certain aspects of myself, that God was looking at me in the same way, but He’s not. Even now, it’ll take months for me to realize that my mentality is getting in the way of me receiving how God feels about me and what He wants for me. So, although I’ve walked with Him for awhile, I don’t think I was truly saved until my senior year of high school. That year leading into my freshmen year of college showed more things than I ever expected. Although I still struggle with so many things spiritually, it’s amazing to know I have someone who loves me and someone that is there for me consistently so I don’t have to go through this alone.
Now. . .for something short, that was a lot. . .but it was just a thought that made me feel like I wasn’t properly equipped for this and that, being very fragile myself, it was the last thing I should go about doing. I’m still not sure though.. . . .hopefully prayer can help that. . . .