Life, Being Saved, and Whatever Else. . . .

So, I’ve been busy (which is normal because the school year does that), but I’ve realized so many things that I knew already. . .they’re just more obvious now. Those few things would be that:

  1. I can’t study in my room if my bed exists in there. . .it just can’t happen
  2. Being in an apartment means living with people. . .that has it’s problems
  3. Being in a new place means being alone . . .that’s not that much of a problem
  4. Being alone means (as a Christian) that I’m realizing the importance of my relationship with Christ. . kind of a really cool and intimate experience
  5. a 15 minute break can turn into a two hour break . . .just like an hour nap can turn into a five hour nap. . .
  6. Conviction is real. . .and it’s something that’s not meant to make you feel bad, it’s just a mental fist palm to the mind.
  7. Not being prepared will bite you . . .and after it’s done biting you, it will realize you’re delicious and eat you . . .

That’s pretty much a synapses of the last month and a half of my life. In terms of school, those 7 are the summary of what my relationship with school has been so far. In terms of projects, I’ve realized that I have to fund the money myself (not a problem since the promotion portion kind of took the longest stand still in existence), but I’m still very much into making the art book a reality. I really don’t want to give up on it just because I and a few other close friends are the only ones who really believe in it. If anything, that just gives me a drive to want to do it more.

Recently, in terms of my faith, (and by recently I mean 20 minutes ago) I was at a meeting for a group that wants to help young pregnant teens and share the gospel with them. At first, I didn’t really want to go because I was being extremely lazy and didn’t want to bike all the way to school. For some foreign reason after church, I ran so fast back to my apartment to get dressed, get my bike and my backpack to head to campus that by the time I got there, I didn’t quite understand what had just happened. All I knew was that I was 15 minutes late and covered in sweat hoping and praying that I could still be apart of the meeting despite my extremely unfashionable late-ness. They welcomed me with warm smiles and greeted me like I was on time (which was a relief and a blessing in itself). They talked about the program and gave a brief synapses on mentor training and understanding the relationship that should be had between the young mothers and the mentor. Briefly, they discussed how we should really make sure this is something we should be doing and that it should be on our hearts to pray about whether God is calling out for us to do this. They also mentioned taking time think about how we came into Christ and sharing that the next time we meet.

The second I heard the comment about whether God really wanted us to do this or not, I kind of mentally cringed because, although I had come all that way to get there, I was suddenly extremely unsure. I have so much to work on as a person and I’m not the healthiest person emotionally or mentally at times. Although I am a believer, it was hard for me in that moment to properly validate whether it was something I should be doing or not. It also made me think about my personal relationship with God and realizing that, sure, I’m not perfect in this moment, but imagining where I was several years ago with Him is a different story entirely.

Just to give a short version of how I came into Christ, I’ve always felt that I knew Him in terms of His presence being something I couldn’t ignore. From the time I was young ’til now, I haven’t had a doubt that God exists and that Christ was this extremely wonderful and awesome thing. Granted, you can believe that and still not be completely 100% with Christ. I went through a period where I had a super dynamic thing happen to me that reoccurred between the ages of 5 and 12. I was a kid, so I can’t say that I was conscious of what I was doing as a whole, I just knew that it gave me the attention that I wanted at the time. When it ended, religiously I questioned a lot of things, this being the few:

-Am I still a virgin? What does that mean?

-Does God hate me? Did I do something wrong?

-How do I move forward? How do I fix this part of myself?

-How do I fulfill this need?

I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it with and, despite knowing who God was in terms of the dictionary definition, I didn’t quite understand how He felt about me at the time. All I could assume was that He hated me as much I hate myself. My parents never taught me that God didn’t condemn. Actually, as I write this, I realize that they may have unintentionally taught me the opposite. As I got older, I had issues in school because I was emotionally confused and I wanted the same feeling I was getting, but in a way that was socially acceptable. Either way, for some reason, I sought comfort in people that hated me. I’d like to think that it was because we shared a mutual hate of the same person, but I couldn’t really understand half of the reason why I was incredibly needy for attention. This was also a portion of my life where I had to take responsibility for my five siblings more than usual, so my childhood was shut down pretty quickly, and I had to learn to think about someone other than myself, which is hard for a kid. Within all this, I was angry at God. I wasn’t making friends well, I couldn’t look at myself without hating the person I saw, I was upset constantly by the past, I was trying to take care of five little people and deal with school, my parents were so involved with themselves, and I didn’t really feel like I mattered. It was easy for me to blame God because I wasn’t understanding how He worked. I had this very genie-bottle-esque picture of Him when that is the complete opposite of who and what He is. High school was better because I was coming to terms with myself and trying to understand my problems, but I still wasn’t getting rid of them. I had more patience with God because I knew that He was there with me, but I didn’t know how much of Him was there (still trying to grasp the concept of his being was difficult because I was holding myself by my own standard in a lot of ways). Not until I got to my first year of college, away from the negativity of my father, away from the responsibility of five amazing children, away from an environment that I didn’t realize affected me as much until I left it, was I finally able to see the beauty of God and the amazing things He has to offer me. I knew He was there, but it always seemed conditional. I always felt like because I had reserve for certain aspects of myself, that God was looking at me in the same way, but He’s not. Even now, it’ll take months for me to realize that my mentality is getting in the way of me receiving  how God feels about me and what He wants for me. So, although I’ve walked with Him  for awhile, I don’t think I was truly saved until my senior year of high school. That year leading into my freshmen year of college showed more things than I ever expected. Although I still struggle with so many things spiritually, it’s amazing to know I have someone who loves me and someone that is there for me consistently so I don’t have to go through this alone.

Now. . .for something short, that was a lot. . .but it was just a thought that  made me feel like I wasn’t properly equipped for this and that, being very fragile myself, it was the last thing I should go about doing. I’m still not sure though.. . . .hopefully prayer can help that.  . . .


BLOG: Things I Learned From My First Year That May or May Not Carry Over Into the Next Depending On If I Have the Capacity to Continue to Both Remember and/or Avoid Mishaps That Have Happened. . .

1. Deadlines both mean something. . .and they don’t

-I had a mental break down in the middle of my second semester because I was hit with so many projects at once. I was so bombarded that I forgot to write a 4 page essay for a class that really. . .won’t do me much good in the field I’m studying, but still made me almost shit my pants because I needed it to graduate and not turning in that paper meant failing because . . .I wasn’t giving that class the attention it needed. I explained my situation to my teacher and my original deadline date was scooted over by one day. . . .I’m sure this varies depending on what type of professor you’re dealing with, but I noticed most were willing to set back dates knowing that projects and finals often got the best of students at the worst possible times. Lesson Learned?: extensions for deadlines exist O.O . . .when your professor isn’t an ass . . .

2. Social life is secondary, depending on if you have one or not

– I didn’t have much of a social life until my second semester because I didn’t have core classes during that time, giving me space to jack off and not do much of anything. If you’re someone that does have classes that involve large reading assignments or a big schedule that consists of more than 15 credits. . . .save plans for the weekend, if you’re still coherent after the week is over. Procrastinating is probably not the best idea either. I tried it, I failed miserably. Having to make yourself sit down and actually focus in order to have everything work takes practice, but it’s worth it. Lesson Learned?: do the important stuff first and play later. If you have a major that can handle social life: fine. If you’re a Pre-Med student. . . .stay at the library Monday through Friday and you’ll do fine 🙂

3. Traveling on foot means being fearless

-On college campus’, so many people disregard students that cross the street. Granted, I have to cross the street a lot and I’ve almost got hit by a car . . .more times than I can count on my hands. I’ve seen people not even look before they walk into on coming traffic and, again, the people in the cars don’t mind hitting a college student like it’s 500 points in a video game. They just don’t care. Lesson Learned?: look before you cross the street. . .common sense to some, but not all.

4. Don’t ‘expect’: ‘Do’

– My first year I thought I would have a job, get decent grades, maybe gain a boyfriend somewhere in there, as well as continue to do all my hobbies. The problem with some of my expectations is that I was kind of just expecting some of it to fall into my lap. With the job, I looked into it before hand, but didn’t make sure I knew where I was going or what I was doing. It took me awhile to mentally say ‘instead of just waiting, why not ask people and then take myself there?’. Yeah. . .I feel like normal people could do this pretty damn well, but I’m not normal, unfortunately. In terms of decent grades, I needed A LOT of help that I didn’t get right away. I didn’t wait a long time, but I still didn’t go soon enough because I assumed I would just remember what I learned and would be able to apply it easily, like I would do in high school, but when it came to chemistry and biology. . .that was not the case. . .the hobbies I had drifted because I was busy and didn’t put away time to do it and the boyfriend thing just. . .didn’t happen because I didn’t try and, again, expected for someone to kind of plop themselves in front of me. Lesson Learned?: be prepared and ‘do’ before you ‘expect’ because not everything works out the way you want it to. I’ve had situations where expecting got me in trouble because I either ended up sitting doing nothing I was supposed to do or the person I depended on let me down. Having a plan when the first plan fails is good and proactive. It saves time . . .loads of it.

5. Staying healthy helps

-I feel like I’m kind of a hypocrite on this one because I failed at staying healthy a lot of times. In the beginning, I followed the advice of a friend I have who’s really in shape and I lost weight gradually and then I noticed all the great food on campus and my roommate always ordered pizza and I became a sluggish blob. . .and then I got back on the horse and managed not to gain the freshmen 15. In fact, I lost a good 18 lbs. at school and have gained 5 pounds being back at home. When I was healthy at school, though, it helped me focus and have more energy to do the busy schedule I had. Lesson Learned?: make an effort to be healthier for your own personal well being because it helps in all areas of your life, especially college.

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*looks up at post* I feel like I had more to share, but for me it’s like 4 AM, so my brain is doing that thing where it really wants to shut off, but it won’t so it’s decided to partially fail. . .if that makes sense. Hopefully this was helpful to someone and if it wasn’t, maybe what I went through was amusing/interesting and you enjoyed reading it. That would really make me happy even if it just did that 🙂

I’M BACK . . .sort of

I took a brief and not-yet-done hiatus from this blog. Why?: because I needed a break from constantly missing the days I intended to blog and because the end of my first year of college took a toll right to my soul (I rhymed just then. . .). I’ve obviously have been back home for the last few months and absolutely nothing had gone as planned. I was supposed to work in a hospital: didn’t happen. I was supposed to do summer courses: didn’t happen. I was supposed to finish all my creative projects: sort of happened . . .-ish. I pretty much ended up either on my ass or cleaning somewhere for most of this summer. . .very sad, and terrible, but mostly sad. I thought maybe I could come back with a few decent posts that are not only reflective for me, but helpful for those dealing with a summer similar to mine, going into their first year of college, as well as share some of the ‘cool’ (but not really. . .) Things I did this summer. This will be the most I post . . .ever and after this I will probably become extremely quiet again and maybe try to figure out a better way to keep this running without flaking every five seconds. Everything needs some type of system, right? And I’m sure I can find one for this. . .maybe 🙂

Praise Thursdays: Starbucks Double Shots

Again, I believe I’ve done a post pertaining to this already, but I continue to praise them because I only need 2 cans of it to feel energized for hours on end. I drink less coffee now, so I’ve downsized to one (my body can’t withstand the strength of caffeine and I actually get the jitters, it’s so weird), but it’s good for any college student looking for a good boost at about 3 AM 😀

Bitch Mondays: Winter Weather. . .

Cold weather . . .I’m fine with when it’s not anywhere near single digits. Where I am right now?: it’s just barely a few degrees away from that point and the wind that decides to karate kick you in the face?: that’s not fun either. . .I remember the days when you had school canceled because of weather like this. . .now that I’m in college, unless it’s negative 30 outside, school will stop for no one.

Every time I’ve gone outside, I’ve got on two pairs of socks, gloves, a jacket underneath my coat, a large winter hat, and a huge scarf that wraps around my face three times. By the time I leave my dorm, you can only see my eyes. Other than that, I leave no other skin exposed. . .It gets real. . .

This Week’s Topic: What YouTube Can Teach You That I Can’t

I’m merely a 19 year old college student. . .there’s not much I can teach anyone because I’m still learning so much myself BUT I can find videos that can teach you things that are very valuable or may be valuable and applicable to your own life someday. I use YouTube to learn. . . .many things that I don’t know how to do because, believe or not *whispers* there’s not a lot that I know how to do . . . . .So, this week, each day I’ll posting my favorite ‘How To’ videos, and hoping that you can be both entertained and inspired by them.