Life Update: Self Conversation of . . . .Self

So, I have this thing I have to do tomorrow, maybe, that I don’t necessarily have to do, but it’s probably better that I try so I’m not one of those people that look like they came just to hear people talk . . . .or that they just came for the food. . . .

I haven’t written anything here for awhile. It’s partially because I’ve allowed my academic life to become a slump and am rebuilding before it can slump itself more. I also have had some major things happen that will be noted in another post, but I just wanted to have a mini conversation with myself to get the ball rolling in terms of my focus . . .and sanity. When I write, whether it’s this or writing a story, I think I feel a little clearer or more aware of myself. When I read back what I’ve written (besides the large amount of errors on top of sentences that are pretending be sentences, but are really just run ons trying to hide themselves in parenthesis) I think ‘wow. . .I sound like a semi-sound, slightly funny individual. . .I’m convinced I probably didn’t write this.’

Granted, I’m not saying I think my writing is ‘the bomb’ or anything, I just enjoy reading some of the things I write and when it happens I’m slightly impressed because. . .to be honest. . .I think I suck. Especially within this day and time, I really don’t like myself all that much. For me to really appreciate anything I do, is like. . .the moment a unicorn gets it’s third wing. It doesn’t seem normal or useful, but it’s theoretical enough to consider and . . .enough to actually happen maybe once in awhile. That brings me to something hard. A conversation that I keep having with myself and I start off really well, then I reflect, and then I regress: Do I like myself and what do I like about myself?

See, the thing about me is that I don’t necessarily hate myself. I did at a very young age for several of both the right and wrong reasons, but I’m not fond of DiAnre`. I’m not a fan of her. I wouldn’t go to her book signing or concert. She doesn’t interest me. She listens to music and watches movies no one likes, she’s very open about her bodily functions. . .with people she knows, as much as she tries to think that she’s good at things it’s just a constant loop of being positively prideful and then being negatively prideful for being positively prideful, and she doesn’t do a ton of fun things. . . at least, on the fun level of people ‘her age’. There’s not much reputable about her. If you met her, she’d probably seem rude, but she’s really just so awkward and afraid of human contact that the look of ‘I want to escape the conversation’ is really ‘I want to escape my own body because of the amount of anxiety that’s happening’.

She’s also not that smart: she’s very dim when it comes to simple things. Tell her to find a hat. . .she can’t do it that well. She will bring you several hats . . .just not the one you’re looking for. Not only that, but she’s spacey and a bit naïve. When she’s inside her head, it’s literally like a separate world, Technicolor and all. The naivety comes from the amount of trust she gives. She just LOVES trusting people. . .it kind of works in others favor at times, but has the potential to be taken advantage of and has.  . .several times. I think that trust comes from her underlying love for others and the beauty she likes to see in people, but . . .take that as you will. She is also kind of a coward. . .yeah. .. I went there. She’s a coward.

She can write it off that it’s for the ‘comfortability of others’, but . . .it’s also possibly a fear of simply saying ‘no’. As socially inept as she is, being disregarded or seeming ‘difficult’ for five seconds makes her feel like she’s sitting on push pins: it’s awful. So, instead of correcting people until they get her name right (because, in hindsight, it’s really not that hard to pronounce as much as she’d like to think) she tells everyone she meets to call her ‘Re`’ despite feeling that . . .it kind of doesn’t fit in her mouth or her ear as well as it does for everyone else, but hey, as long as everyone else is comfortable. She could literally have everyone call her ‘Santa’ and she’d be on board.

Don’t even get me started on whatever’s happening on the outside of her: it’s like a hobo and a fashion designer got together and said ‘well, I don’t want to look too homeless, just enough to look like I thrifted everything and am on my way to see The Shins live in concert.’ That statement right there. . .that was me poking fun at my outsides, I could care less what I look like sometimes. As long as I’m comfortable, I could look like a star fish and still be fine with it.

If you managed to get to the end of this, you know what I’m about to do. . . .I’m about to give all the positives that I found through those negatives so that I can manage to see something worth SOMETHING in myself for the time being. This post is more for me to have the round about conversation I was alluding to originally.

So, the thing is that DiAnre` is pretty content with herself. She listens to music and watches movies that no one  likes, but it makes her feel different. . .almost unique. Like an alien. . .but maybe like a cute one. The music and movies she finds reminds her of pieces of herself. She has people willing to accept those unfavorable pieces, so it’s only fitting that she picks up music abandoned by the group that determines what genre or style is popular.

DiAnre` knits, and draws, and sings, and crafts, and she’s. . .creative. She may not be great at what she does, but her heart wants everything to be super tangible. To create and do things with her hands is what helps her feel things. It’s also personally enjoyable and makes her happy. It may not be interesting or awesome. She may not have built a rocket or engineered a computer or anything, but she made an infinity scarf. . .a lot of people complimented it . . .it was kind of nice in a non-pride-y way.

She loves people: they’re kind of her thing. She may be stuck inside her head and afraid to talk to people, but she definitely breaks that if it means helping someone or keeping someone safe. Although she may not think so, within seconds she’d probably take a bullet for someone she doesn’t know. . . and oddly enough it would be because they looked like their life was more important at the time.

As much as she wants things for herself (which seems like all the time) she’s willing to take a step back and consider the person in front of her. It’s not necessarily cowardice because she’s just willing to give someone something they need more. Even if it means making people save time on pronouncing her name, if she can save them that time and energy she’s okay if they call her one letter: it did a small thing for them. ‘Re`’ may not be her favorite thing to hear, but she can tell the ease and happiness that’s now connected to it because of how weirdly happy and joyful people are when they greet her. It has a positive connotation for them which is sweet and endearing to her: why stop that?

She’s thoughtful in weird ways. She’ll bake for you when your sad, try to tell you about a time where she fell on her face or made a butt out of herself to make your situation look better. She’ll even try to help you with homework she’s clearly not intelligent enough to do. . .and she’ll actually try her best as if she’s taken the course with you. She’ll try to remember your birthday despite knowing she’s practically Dory in her human form. DiAnre` is. . . .okay. . .I can live with her. She may not be my favorite person, but she’s not all bad.



Life, Being Saved, and Whatever Else. . . .

So, I’ve been busy (which is normal because the school year does that), but I’ve realized so many things that I knew already. . .they’re just more obvious now. Those few things would be that:

  1. I can’t study in my room if my bed exists in there. . .it just can’t happen
  2. Being in an apartment means living with people. . .that has it’s problems
  3. Being in a new place means being alone . . .that’s not that much of a problem
  4. Being alone means (as a Christian) that I’m realizing the importance of my relationship with Christ. . kind of a really cool and intimate experience
  5. a 15 minute break can turn into a two hour break . . .just like an hour nap can turn into a five hour nap. . .
  6. Conviction is real. . .and it’s something that’s not meant to make you feel bad, it’s just a mental fist palm to the mind.
  7. Not being prepared will bite you . . .and after it’s done biting you, it will realize you’re delicious and eat you . . .

That’s pretty much a synapses of the last month and a half of my life. In terms of school, those 7 are the summary of what my relationship with school has been so far. In terms of projects, I’ve realized that I have to fund the money myself (not a problem since the promotion portion kind of took the longest stand still in existence), but I’m still very much into making the art book a reality. I really don’t want to give up on it just because I and a few other close friends are the only ones who really believe in it. If anything, that just gives me a drive to want to do it more.

Recently, in terms of my faith, (and by recently I mean 20 minutes ago) I was at a meeting for a group that wants to help young pregnant teens and share the gospel with them. At first, I didn’t really want to go because I was being extremely lazy and didn’t want to bike all the way to school. For some foreign reason after church, I ran so fast back to my apartment to get dressed, get my bike and my backpack to head to campus that by the time I got there, I didn’t quite understand what had just happened. All I knew was that I was 15 minutes late and covered in sweat hoping and praying that I could still be apart of the meeting despite my extremely unfashionable late-ness. They welcomed me with warm smiles and greeted me like I was on time (which was a relief and a blessing in itself). They talked about the program and gave a brief synapses on mentor training and understanding the relationship that should be had between the young mothers and the mentor. Briefly, they discussed how we should really make sure this is something we should be doing and that it should be on our hearts to pray about whether God is calling out for us to do this. They also mentioned taking time think about how we came into Christ and sharing that the next time we meet.

The second I heard the comment about whether God really wanted us to do this or not, I kind of mentally cringed because, although I had come all that way to get there, I was suddenly extremely unsure. I have so much to work on as a person and I’m not the healthiest person emotionally or mentally at times. Although I am a believer, it was hard for me in that moment to properly validate whether it was something I should be doing or not. It also made me think about my personal relationship with God and realizing that, sure, I’m not perfect in this moment, but imagining where I was several years ago with Him is a different story entirely.

Just to give a short version of how I came into Christ, I’ve always felt that I knew Him in terms of His presence being something I couldn’t ignore. From the time I was young ’til now, I haven’t had a doubt that God exists and that Christ was this extremely wonderful and awesome thing. Granted, you can believe that and still not be completely 100% with Christ. I went through a period where I had a super dynamic thing happen to me that reoccurred between the ages of 5 and 12. I was a kid, so I can’t say that I was conscious of what I was doing as a whole, I just knew that it gave me the attention that I wanted at the time. When it ended, religiously I questioned a lot of things, this being the few:

-Am I still a virgin? What does that mean?

-Does God hate me? Did I do something wrong?

-How do I move forward? How do I fix this part of myself?

-How do I fulfill this need?

I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it with and, despite knowing who God was in terms of the dictionary definition, I didn’t quite understand how He felt about me at the time. All I could assume was that He hated me as much I hate myself. My parents never taught me that God didn’t condemn. Actually, as I write this, I realize that they may have unintentionally taught me the opposite. As I got older, I had issues in school because I was emotionally confused and I wanted the same feeling I was getting, but in a way that was socially acceptable. Either way, for some reason, I sought comfort in people that hated me. I’d like to think that it was because we shared a mutual hate of the same person, but I couldn’t really understand half of the reason why I was incredibly needy for attention. This was also a portion of my life where I had to take responsibility for my five siblings more than usual, so my childhood was shut down pretty quickly, and I had to learn to think about someone other than myself, which is hard for a kid. Within all this, I was angry at God. I wasn’t making friends well, I couldn’t look at myself without hating the person I saw, I was upset constantly by the past, I was trying to take care of five little people and deal with school, my parents were so involved with themselves, and I didn’t really feel like I mattered. It was easy for me to blame God because I wasn’t understanding how He worked. I had this very genie-bottle-esque picture of Him when that is the complete opposite of who and what He is. High school was better because I was coming to terms with myself and trying to understand my problems, but I still wasn’t getting rid of them. I had more patience with God because I knew that He was there with me, but I didn’t know how much of Him was there (still trying to grasp the concept of his being was difficult because I was holding myself by my own standard in a lot of ways). Not until I got to my first year of college, away from the negativity of my father, away from the responsibility of five amazing children, away from an environment that I didn’t realize affected me as much until I left it, was I finally able to see the beauty of God and the amazing things He has to offer me. I knew He was there, but it always seemed conditional. I always felt like because I had reserve for certain aspects of myself, that God was looking at me in the same way, but He’s not. Even now, it’ll take months for me to realize that my mentality is getting in the way of me receiving  how God feels about me and what He wants for me. So, although I’ve walked with Him  for awhile, I don’t think I was truly saved until my senior year of high school. That year leading into my freshmen year of college showed more things than I ever expected. Although I still struggle with so many things spiritually, it’s amazing to know I have someone who loves me and someone that is there for me consistently so I don’t have to go through this alone.

Now. . .for something short, that was a lot. . .but it was just a thought that  made me feel like I wasn’t properly equipped for this and that, being very fragile myself, it was the last thing I should go about doing. I’m still not sure though.. . . .hopefully prayer can help that.  . . .

My Life: End of the Week Celebration

I barely made it through this week. . .  .but it’s the end and I’m one whole human. I have all my toes, eyes, and other organs. I also am not standing in my own urine. . .which means that I didn’t get nervous enough to pee myself, because everybody hates smelling like that. No one really wants that . . .at least normal people don’t. . .

I had training for a new job this week, so it was intense. I now know every single dipping sauce, wing flavor, and specials plate at the restaurant I work at and yet and still. . .I have no idea what goes on our side salad. Luckily, we were not tested today so I rejoiced like nobodies business. I also met someone intensely amazing last weekend and spent a large portion of time talking to them and it was pretty cool. I feel like I don’t open up to people enough, and I was instantly spread out for this person (that sounded weird after I typed it. . .it’s not what it sounds like O.O)

I managed to actually get project work done today, but will be testing some parts out to see if my tutorial section can be easily followed and mimicked by others. I’m hoping it works out . . . .I’m excited O.O I will have a seriously riveting post for tomorrow and I’m excited for that also O.O even though it’ll just be me ranting. . . .

Song of the Week: Miley Cyrus’ rendition of Jolene

I’m sure there are many people extremely opposed to Miley Cyrus’ music because of her recent change in style and expression, but I appreciate her talent and her creativity. This version she does is beautiful and anyone who currently hates her will instantly love her again because she does such a wonderful job with it.

Tuesday Topic Deviation: Flappy Bird

I hate it O.e . . .I know, I’m really late because it’s been out for awhile, but I hate it. The highest score I got was 8. . . and that’s because my 12 year old sister helped me -_- and the version I was playing was slightly generic, but had the same purpose. The only difference was that the bird was a fish and you’re underwater, not in the air, but I’ve played the normal one and still can’t manage to get it 😦 I’m just a flappy failure *sobs*