Life Update: Self Conversation of . . . .Self

So, I have this thing I have to do tomorrow, maybe, that I don’t necessarily have to do, but it’s probably better that I try so I’m not one of those people that look like they came just to hear people talk . . . .or that they just came for the food. . . .

I haven’t written anything here for awhile. It’s partially because I’ve allowed my academic life to become a slump and am rebuilding before it can slump itself more. I also have had some major things happen that will be noted in another post, but I just wanted to have a mini conversation with myself to get the ball rolling in terms of my focus . . .and sanity. When I write, whether it’s this or writing a story, I think I feel a little clearer or more aware of myself. When I read back what I’ve written (besides the large amount of errors on top of sentences that are pretending be sentences, but are really just run ons trying to hide themselves in parenthesis) I think ‘wow. . .I sound like a semi-sound, slightly funny individual. . .I’m convinced I probably didn’t write this.’

Granted, I’m not saying I think my writing is ‘the bomb’ or anything, I just enjoy reading some of the things I write and when it happens I’m slightly impressed because. . .to be honest. . .I think I suck. Especially within this day and time, I really don’t like myself all that much. For me to really appreciate anything I do, is like. . .the moment a unicorn gets it’s third wing. It doesn’t seem normal or useful, but it’s theoretical enough to consider and . . .enough to actually happen maybe once in awhile. That brings me to something hard. A conversation that I keep having with myself and I start off really well, then I reflect, and then I regress: Do I like myself and what do I like about myself?

See, the thing about me is that I don’t necessarily hate myself. I did at a very young age for several of both the right and wrong reasons, but I’m not fond of DiAnre`. I’m not a fan of her. I wouldn’t go to her book signing or concert. She doesn’t interest me. She listens to music and watches movies no one likes, she’s very open about her bodily functions. . .with people she knows, as much as she tries to think that she’s good at things it’s just a constant loop of being positively prideful and then being negatively prideful for being positively prideful, and she doesn’t do a ton of fun things. . . at least, on the fun level of people ‘her age’. There’s not much reputable about her. If you met her, she’d probably seem rude, but she’s really just so awkward and afraid of human contact that the look of ‘I want to escape the conversation’ is really ‘I want to escape my own body because of the amount of anxiety that’s happening’.

She’s also not that smart: she’s very dim when it comes to simple things. Tell her to find a hat. . .she can’t do it that well. She will bring you several hats . . .just not the one you’re looking for. Not only that, but she’s spacey and a bit naïve. When she’s inside her head, it’s literally like a separate world, Technicolor and all. The naivety comes from the amount of trust she gives. She just LOVES trusting people. . .it kind of works in others favor at times, but has the potential to be taken advantage of and has.  . .several times. I think that trust comes from her underlying love for others and the beauty she likes to see in people, but . . .take that as you will. She is also kind of a coward. . .yeah. .. I went there. She’s a coward.

She can write it off that it’s for the ‘comfortability of others’, but . . .it’s also possibly a fear of simply saying ‘no’. As socially inept as she is, being disregarded or seeming ‘difficult’ for five seconds makes her feel like she’s sitting on push pins: it’s awful. So, instead of correcting people until they get her name right (because, in hindsight, it’s really not that hard to pronounce as much as she’d like to think) she tells everyone she meets to call her ‘Re`’ despite feeling that . . .it kind of doesn’t fit in her mouth or her ear as well as it does for everyone else, but hey, as long as everyone else is comfortable. She could literally have everyone call her ‘Santa’ and she’d be on board.

Don’t even get me started on whatever’s happening on the outside of her: it’s like a hobo and a fashion designer got together and said ‘well, I don’t want to look too homeless, just enough to look like I thrifted everything and am on my way to see The Shins live in concert.’ That statement right there. . .that was me poking fun at my outsides, I could care less what I look like sometimes. As long as I’m comfortable, I could look like a star fish and still be fine with it.

If you managed to get to the end of this, you know what I’m about to do. . . .I’m about to give all the positives that I found through those negatives so that I can manage to see something worth SOMETHING in myself for the time being. This post is more for me to have the round about conversation I was alluding to originally.

So, the thing is that DiAnre` is pretty content with herself. She listens to music and watches movies that no one  likes, but it makes her feel different. . .almost unique. Like an alien. . .but maybe like a cute one. The music and movies she finds reminds her of pieces of herself. She has people willing to accept those unfavorable pieces, so it’s only fitting that she picks up music abandoned by the group that determines what genre or style is popular.

DiAnre` knits, and draws, and sings, and crafts, and she’s. . .creative. She may not be great at what she does, but her heart wants everything to be super tangible. To create and do things with her hands is what helps her feel things. It’s also personally enjoyable and makes her happy. It may not be interesting or awesome. She may not have built a rocket or engineered a computer or anything, but she made an infinity scarf. . .a lot of people complimented it . . .it was kind of nice in a non-pride-y way.

She loves people: they’re kind of her thing. She may be stuck inside her head and afraid to talk to people, but she definitely breaks that if it means helping someone or keeping someone safe. Although she may not think so, within seconds she’d probably take a bullet for someone she doesn’t know. . . and oddly enough it would be because they looked like their life was more important at the time.

As much as she wants things for herself (which seems like all the time) she’s willing to take a step back and consider the person in front of her. It’s not necessarily cowardice because she’s just willing to give someone something they need more. Even if it means making people save time on pronouncing her name, if she can save them that time and energy she’s okay if they call her one letter: it did a small thing for them. ‘Re`’ may not be her favorite thing to hear, but she can tell the ease and happiness that’s now connected to it because of how weirdly happy and joyful people are when they greet her. It has a positive connotation for them which is sweet and endearing to her: why stop that?

She’s thoughtful in weird ways. She’ll bake for you when your sad, try to tell you about a time where she fell on her face or made a butt out of herself to make your situation look better. She’ll even try to help you with homework she’s clearly not intelligent enough to do. . .and she’ll actually try her best as if she’s taken the course with you. She’ll try to remember your birthday despite knowing she’s practically Dory in her human form. DiAnre` is. . . .okay. . .I can live with her. She may not be my favorite person, but she’s not all bad.