Midnight Musings: Problems

Seems to be all I’m having. Not really many problems, but one big one. It’s like dealing with something really large and trying to condense it to a smaller size while still keeping it. That’s what I’m attempting to do with my current problem. I’ve succeeded today, in hopes of taking on the next round. Like I’ve explained to my best friend, when life gets chaotic, I like to treat it like a game of Mahjong.

In Mahjong (or at least the computer version I play on Windows 7) the objective is to remove all the tiles from the board. To do this takes strategy and sometimes dumb luck depending on the person. I use strategy. I always wait ’till I know for sure that I can see a pair of 4 identical tiles so that I don’t end up locking tiles in or missing one that’s trapped underneath another tile that’s the same. It takes patience, but it’s worth it. If you’re not patient, you jump the gun and pick too many pairs at once. Sometimes there’s no ill consequence to this, but If you’re not careful, you could end up with a tile stuck in between tiles that don’t have any visible matches, you could have one tile with its match directly underneath it, or the tiles might be right beside each other, but on the tail end of the board and not in the middle. I apply my amateurish Mahjong skills to life, which helps. See, if you take events that may or may not help you, it’s a lot easier to cancel out than you think. For example, if you plan to be a hair dresser, your initial thought would be, ‘Where do I go/what do I do in order to gain this?’ You could take online courses, actually go to beauty school, or take night courses at a vocational facility. If you have kids, than going to school may prove to be difficult during the day, causing a road block in one area concerning school, but to eliminate that problem you either choose online courses or night courses. If you’re a hands on learner, night courses would be your first step, getting rid of the two original options before you. Like Mahjong, you can have a plan to gain a 4 paired match you see by weighing the options of what tiles you can/can’t move. If you take away pairs that you feel confident will be safe enough to remove, than you take that step and map it out as you go along, creating and eliminating options ending a final result of either hitting a dead end/gaining your 4 paired match.
If you hit a dead end due to jumping the gun and choosing an option that you didn’t think through. . .well. . .it won’t end the way you want it to. You might end up like my former self a few days ago. . . .

I probably sound kind of crazy and a little weird for comparing life to a giant computerized Mahjong board, but it helps me focus less on the problem and more on the solution. I feel detached from it, allowing me to pull it apart and put it back together rather than sitting in the feet-up position and whaling because of all the broken, fucked up pieces I have in front of me. It’s what made me get up from a puddle of tears I was sitting in last Saturday, stand up, and say, ‘You have to figure this thing out whether it’s fair or not’. I wiped all the gooey snot off my face and sucked up all my gooshy emotions and just went with the little baby step Kamikaze plan I created along the way. What I’ve created for myself is kind of a suicide mission to say the least, but I’d rather take chances than say I didn’t tried.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. . . .TWO DAYS AGO!!! :D

I had a good birthday, for the most part. I got a TON of presents from my parents that they mailed to me and my roommate got me presents too. She also got me pizza. . .I love pizza O.O The picture on the left was my birthday outfit and the picture on the bottom right was one of the presents my parents got me. I got an adult footy pajama suit with hello kitty on it X3 it’s so cute 🙂 I got hit with some heavy news pertaining to school (it kind of hit me yesterday night and I had a mini moment I had to take) but, other than that, it was good. I’m 19 🙂 and I feel the same.

*drops shit and abandons sanity* THE BOOK THIEF IS COMING OUT AS A MOVIE!!!!!!

If you’ve never read it, I can’t explain it. Go get a copy from your local library. Bjarki, if you can, you should read it. I think you’d really like it. I believe there’s a French adaption, not to say you couldn’t read the English version, but I figured it’s easier than having to translate a couple hundred pages of English O.O before you even blink an eye at the movie trailer, read the book. It’s worth it. The characters are great. The story line is great. The narrator’s even better. I know all I’m giving is my overly biased opinion and no real explanation of the story, but it’s worth searching for and figuring out yourself. It’s a beautiful piece of work.

Life Update

I haven’t talked a ton on how things have been and I have to admit . . . they’ve been a tiny bit rough. These few days have been wrecking balls and the last couple weeks have kind of been hectic as well. It’s weird, but I’ve felt noticeably sad more often and all I can think is that I’m just stuck in an emotional rut I’m fighting to get out of. I think the difference between the me now, and the me many years ago is that the me from many years ago wouldn’t attempt to get out of that rut. She would be really comfortable in that rut. I personally don’t want to feel sad or worry about things and I’m trying really hard not to. My mom is going through some health stuff, but she’s getting a lot better. She’s been getting these injections to help her anemia. She’s also been taking her vitamins more often (WHICH SHE’S SUPPOSED TO DO ANYWAY). My family is moving to Texas soon, so I’ll be there for Thanksgiving. I’m not happy about getting out of hellish weather to go into it, but I’ll be excited to see my family. I’ve also been given the option of my best friend’s house if that falls through. I have two awesome options. I’m excited for my little sister’s upcoming birthday. She’ll be 7 🙂 I’m also going to be 19 on Friday. I feel old XD It’s weird, but since I was about 11 or 12, I was able to sufficiently take care of myself. Not in terms of finance, OBVIOUSLY, but in terms of taking care of me as a person. I don’t feel like I’m some awesome ‘adult-child’, but I’ve kind of had to balance things and deal with things most kids didn’t, so, in a way, I feel a tiny bit older in that respect. I’ve been feeling kind of extra low on self esteem. I’ve been trying to get better, but I always get dragged down by something and a big problem for me is simply letting go of things. Hopefully, with more age, I can get better at that. I’m not giving up this time, and I’m making an effort to get away from this.

Publishing White Noise

I feel like I have this internal conversation with myself. I think, ‘DiAnre, you share so much about yourself on certain places and with others’. It’s mainly because most of what I tell people and what I publish is my definition of ‘white noise’.

Let’s take the example of a class lecture. Depending on the class, and the instruction there’s a 50/50 chance you’re either listening or you’re not. There’s also a point in time where both sides tune out completely or you reach a point in the lecture where everything your professor says is ‘white noise’: you’re actively listening to what your professor is saying, but you’re not retaining it, and most likely, a fraction of what you’ve heard has been lost. That’s what happens when I talk about my life or personal things, or even normal things with others, with few exceptions. When I talk to people, they’re actively listening in that moment, but inwardly sort of turn off their ears and stop listening due to disinterest, something else has caught their attention, or they’ve got something to tell that happens to fit the conversation topic. When I write things on here and my blog, it is an electronic form of ‘white noise’. I know people are reading it, but when they read it they aren’t retaining anything enough to give a shit.

‘So DiAnre, why don’t you make people listen to you?’: Because after awhile, I kind of realized it’s nothing personal. When I talk to people, 9 times out of 10 says they’re going through something of their own. They’ve got exams, they’re still getting adjusted in school, they’re going through family problems, they’re getting over traumatic things. There’s so much going on in the human mind. Plus, the outlets I use always have a wide percentage of people who think ‘well, no matter what she says, I’ve experienced better/worse’ or ‘I could be reading something better’ or ‘who gives a shit?’ I mean. . . .we all do it. We’ve seen people write posts about themselves, stare at it and say, ‘this person has lost touch with all reality and belongs somewhere that includes padded rooms and nice white bottles with medication in them’ or ‘I could be reading a recipe on Pinterest’, but it’s that percentage that makes me so damn comfortable. My life is practically made of white noise, but a lot of the time I have friends that have their own problems, so I know that most of what I’m saying is going to be hitting a brick wall and they’re only going to care momentarily because they know I’ve been holding it (few exceptions, of course), but most of my friends, I don’t feel comfortable telling them because it’s something else for them to worry about on top of their everyday stress, no matter how small, so I talk about it through things like my blog and my dA journal because those are two outlets where I KNOW it’s pure white noise. Now, pure white noise is when you know people are passively looking at what you’ve written. At least with normal white noise, they can get some stuff out of it. PURE white noise is when they dismiss it because I’m not PewdiePie from YouTube. I’m not a form of major entertainment and I’m some 18 year old girl COMPLAINING about something that’s bothering me. It’s more fact than delusion, I couldn’t really make it up if I wanted to.

Even now, someone has reached the 5th sentence of this article and thought ‘I could be doing something else, my interest is lost. . .I wonder what’s for dinner. . .’ or something of that fashion. I admit, I should give leeway to those who are taking in and caring about both my opinion and myself. I appreciate those few. . .which I assumed was only one, but now is two (no rhyme intended). I think I have this mentality because I know how little an impact my words truly have on both the interwebs and in life. I haven’t made a big enough impression to really feel that there’s someone on this big blue planet besides my mother (Alex, you’re an exception) that thinks I’m the coolest thing since Gardettos. I don’t have the charisma, nor the intelligence, nor the bronze to really sit down and say I’m popular or spunky or innovative enough to breach the conscience mind of another. I like to play a pretend game with myself, thinking I’m some awesome cool person, but I’m no more interesting than the bags of iceburg lettuce my mom buys at the market. This isn’t a personal bash, it’s more of facts being presented and understanding being given. This blog is a wonderful example. Out of trillions of people there are two loyal readers of this blog. They’re absolutely beautiful people that voluntarily give their time to read my ramble: proof

Bitch Tuesdays: Sad Movies

sad
I’m a girl. . .I cry. . . a lot more than the average girl, but that’s what happens because society as well as some very intelligent people with goggles and PhDs, tell me that my hormones are a lot crazier especially during certain times of the month that I’ve ranted about previously. Just because I cry sometimes, doesn’t mean I like to. It does not cause me major enjoyment to cry or sob or wimper. It’s not something that I find some odd freaky pleasure in. . . crying actually sucks. . . it sucks so much that I try to do everything to ignore it and sometimes deny it or blame it on things such as ‘my period’. This is why I don’t watch sad movies. . .Sad movies are meant to torment my gender . . . That’s why I don’t watch them. Nor will I ever ask someone to watch a sad movie with me. Sad movies are meant to be watched when you, yourself, are feeling sad. You don’t want to feel sad with someone else. . . it’s something meant to be done by yourself. . .in the comfort and warmth of a blanket and maybe some. . . fruit to substitute for whatever snack you think twice about before ruining your body with 500 gallons of it. Anything you catch me watching will most likely cause me to shit my pants, pee my pants, or laugh uncontrollably while both shitting and peeing my pants. It will NOT be something that’s going to make me cry unless I’m in a situation where I’m at home and my mom picks out some movies and says, ‘Hey, I found a copy of the Notebook for $1 at some random store I just went to . . . lets watch it O.O’ . . . I love my mom. . . but she likes the sad, touchy feely, sentimental movies. Me?: not so much. . . I’ll watch it if it seems interesting, but if the description has ANYTHING in it that’s involving the words I’m about to list, you might as well just . . . not bring me down with you. . .

1) sentimental

2) heart jerker

3) any made up word that has to do with ‘tears’ or ‘crying’ . . .those guys who write those things like to get crafty. . .

4) uplifting (they like to make it seem like it’s happy sometimes. . .the logic of these people, I don’t know. . .)

So, please, if you don’t have anything that involves people doing dumbshit, someone falling off of something, people getting killed idiotically in ways that could’ve been prevented, anything involving fighting or something blowing up, or anything with comedy and romance and without the two seperated . . . . then don’t invite me to watch movies with you. . . if you value our friendship, you won’t O.O

Bitch Tuesdays: Weather. . .Again :D

I’m bitching on Tuesday because I’m not feeling extremely well at the moment inside and out due to . . . .my gender, so here’s Bitch Tuesday 😀 Today’s Bitch Tuesday will be about the change of weather, which I’ve bitched about recently, but this time. . .it’s personal O.O

I can’t wake up at 6:45 AM anymore because of my full body awareness of how cold it is outside in comparison to the immense comfort and warmth of my pillow, sheets, and blankets. Every time I get on the elevator and go downstairs to the exit I pause for like a good 15 minutes because I know how long I’m going to have to walk to get something to eat and then go to class. . . .I don’t even leave my dorm on weekends anymore O.O in fear of being hit by wind and freezing weather. I’m just. . . . .I’m terrorized by cold. . . .I love fall, probably more then anybody else, I just fear the cold soooooo much sometimes. Even my little coat can’t protect me :(. . .it’s sad . . .