So. . .I’ve been worried mostly about a lot of things. First, it was orchestra. I have a concert at the end of the week (Friday) and I feel a bit anxiety filled about it, but most that I’ve talked to (AKA my dad) have said to put forth more effort in order to give full and total faith and hope. I will try to do my best and listen to my dad, he’s right. At first I was feeling shaky. I’m probably just psyching myself out, but all I can really do is practice and really make it work. I don’t want to do terrible, so maybe that feeling can be used to work harder this week. . .hopefully. . .
I’ve kind of been thinking about ‘relationship’ related things, and I find it odd. I think it’s because college is a lot like highschool where, in the beginning, people pair up and you feel isolated because you haven’t paired yourself with anything or anyone. It’s like a bad game of musical chairs That’s something that will come in due time for me. I’ll have to wait awhile, but I’ve been waiting 18 years *shrug* why not wait more? I was thinking about my birthday for some reason and how it ends on a friday in November. I’m really glad for that. I can kind of spend the weekend quietly, or at least give myself one day of full and complete rest. Sleep will be my birthday present. I was trying to figure out what I could do to not feel so sad on my birthday and I thought I’d just . . . .like I said, sleep XD sleeping seems like the best way to spend both the night of my birthday and the day after. It just seems like a cozy idea. I could put the Garden State soundtrack on loop and have my ear plugs in and just sleep for hours . . .mmm. . . I should actually do that THIS weekend. . .but I have a biology test next Tuesday, so I have to make sure I have all my vocabulary and terms down by then so I’ll be prepared for Tuesday. I’m kind of extremely tired and have a mixture of emotions running through my head. . .
The guy that I sort of had feelings for, whenever he talks about his girlfriend, I get. . .tense, and kind of angry. I think it’s my brain saying I’m still attached so I’ve talked to him less because I don’t want to feel bitter towards him or his nice girlfriend. She is extremely amazing from what he tells me and he never has a bad thing to say about her. She is the pinnacle of perfection in his eyes (I may sound facetious, but I really don’t have any animosity towards her. She sounds honest to God lovely). I think my whole person has been a bit cranky and unsatisfied with life. If I really think about it, my life in college isn’t so bad. If anything, it’s more stable than my home life was and it gives me a base to plan for the future, so I can’t say that just because I have no male companion, I’m not doing professionally well in orchestra, my starting grades aren’t grand, and I’m not exactly getting the full substance of the experience, doesn’t mean that times are exactly ‘dark’. I’m just trying to get away from the gloom. Slowly, but gradually, I’m doing so, and I think it’s working.