Moment of Clarity and What’s Up

So, my day today was . . . very not so good in so many ways imaginable. Now that I think about it, since I’ve been here, I haven’t had any good days. Each day held it’s own shittiness, which was just wonderful, I might add sarcastically. I reached a point today where I felt so calm and so peaceful, and it was the weirdest thing ever to experience, but I was completely calm and it was like the day didn’t even exist O.o I was in awe. . . Then again, as the day got worse I clearly sat down, looked up at the sky and said, ‘College: the place where I’m going to be ball and chained to a year long of more work and self loathing, as well as a very high and unrealistic level of perseverance. . . thank you, College Board.’ This is the third week mind you, the third week I haven’t even finished yet . . . It’s going not-so-well in a not-so-fun way. . . . I could say I have weekends to look forward to, but that would be somewhat of a lie. I admit, I had fun last Saturday, but I have the feeling the new friend I’ve met may stray away from me due to my. . . usual weirdness and inobservance to the world around me. I think she may stick around, hopefully 😦 but my weirdness may scare her away and . . .for some reason, that bothers me, but I haven’t been extremely happy since I got here except those few days I spent with her. If she decides to stay, it’ll be great 😀 if she decides to go, I’ll be miserable for 5 days out of the week rather than just 3. . . two extra days of sadness. . .

The 3 initial days would be where orchestra stands. Good news: I got into orchestra, BSSO,  a group that’s kind of high up at the university that I’m currently going to. Bad news: my stand partner hates my guts, and I kind of hate my guts when I step out on the stage for rehearsal. . . . I like to think that because we both feel the same about my existence, that we have a mutual likeness between the two of us 😀 or I’m just being overly optimistic 😦  whether it be the latter, my parents have told me that I deserve to be there and I wouldn’t have been chosen if the director didn’t think so. Even if my stand partner wants to punch me in the face, at least I deserve to be there? . . . yeah, today, I’ve never packed my violin and bow so fast just to leave before someone else did. . . I don’t want to be afraid of her, but she’s a senior, a music major, a wonderful and lovely violinist. . . and she kind of wants to kick my ass for turning the pages too slow, even when I kind of try my best to turn it on time. If I make it out alive this year, it’s because someone sedated her before she could kill me. . . the girl just does not like me, mostly because I’m a spaz and can’t turn the damn pages on time. . . 

Chemistry is doing a lovely job at reminding me why I hate it. . . I’ve taken two quizzes so far counting the one from today and I successfully failed both of them. . . if you were wondering, yes, I’m being sarcastic. Failing is not successful. . . .that makes no sense unless your main goal in life is to fail. . . .then failure becomes a success for you because it is your life’s goal. . . that’s not my life’s goal at all. . . If anything, I was rooting for straight up ‘B’s’ this semester. I feel like just earning a ‘C’ in chemistry alone will be an accomplishment in itself. . . 

Then, I almost ruined a year long friendship I have with someone because of my silly girl emotions. . . then it sort of got fixed, but I’m still silly. . . and I’m . . .I’m still a girl O.O . . . If I think about the positives . . . the girl who wants to kill me only repremanded me once today, the quiz I took today was only the 2nd quiz out of 4 quizzes and 4 exams, my friend and I are sort of okay, I don’t hate myself, I didn’t die today, I have a college education still, I’m not yet eligible to get on the Dean’s list for something bad, I didn’t lose any toes, fingers, eyes, entire limbs, ankles, breasts, stomach(s), liver(s), kidneys, ears, tongue(s), nose(s) or any other body part that is sort of important, I can eat pizza tonight . . .maybe. . . I might choose something healthier considering I didn’t eat much today. . . yeah. . . I also wasn’t blisteringly hot today. . . .okay, so there’s those things. . .look at that. . .the day my week isn’t terrible is the day that I also get one of those things called a ‘boyfriend’ and we fly off into the sunset on a Pegasus. .  . . . . that’s that ‘unrealistic perseverance’ if I just think about the boyfriend and the Pegasus I can complete this semester with . . .no. . .problem O.O  



3 thoughts on “Moment of Clarity and What’s Up

  1. wow, you seem so… well, not in a so good mood 😦 Don’t worry too much anyway about hard times, just be patient, try your best to learn to do better, be aware and things will go better. Don’t fix yourself too difficult goals, cos you you will lose your strenght trying to reach things too hard too fast. About your senior music partner, well it’s often the case; the newbie has to endure, but not too much. Try to do your best, accept the criticism if it’s deserved, but if the girl goes too far, juste tell her, not in a rude way, but with strenght and will. Easier to say than to do, but try. Tell her “ok, i do my best to play right with you, but i’m fed up with your criticism, it doesn’t help me at all, so if you don’t want to help me to learn better, just shut your mouth”. You have to be respected, and i understand you, it’s difficult, i’m like you, even at my age, i don’t like conflict and i do my best to avoid it, but sometimes you can’t.
    About the mark, don’t lower your goal, i’m sure you can achieve a B in chemistry, just work regularly for it, it will come.
    About your friend, don’t push yourself down. If the person is with you, it’s that she appreciates you, be yourself, just follow the simple rules of living in society, even if you don’t like all the stuff, well, it’s things to learn to live in peace.

    1. My stand partner is attempting like me in her own way. . .in the group, there’s a lot of upperclassmen and barely any freshmen and I’m sure you’re right. More practice will help, and no I’m not in a great mood at all, but adjustment isn’t supposed to be easy and I have a feeling it’s going to be awhile before I feel comfortable or happy with anything *shrug* I’ll just have to deal with being a little unhappy for now.

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