Despite my stomach trying to destroy my existence this week, I will not be posting anything until August 14th, which is the day I have to leave for college :O I figured I’d have something exciting to say about that. For now, though, I need to start getting all my belongings together and get prepared for my first year. I’m both scared and . . . .scared. . .I’m excited to actually study and get homework, though XD which is weird, for once in my life I want homework to fill the void of other things. I know once I have it, I can kind of drown myself in it and not think about anything else. I really need something like that right now. The first thing I’ll probably do when I get on campus is look for a job but I feel like that’s the second most important thing right now. If I can just drench myself in work, I feel like my worries and anything else that’s bothering won’t have room to make an impact anymore. I’ll be completely submerged in my work and, at the moment, that’s all I want. Eventually, it’ll get hard and I’ll want to think of anything besides that, but that will only be for a short while. Honestly, I’ve broken to a point where I’d like to just start fresh like that. If college is a place to both start ‘a new’ and gain higher education, I can’t think of any other way to do that, but to suffocate in work and school. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so unhappy all the time if I had more things to focus on than just my family. I love my family, but things haven’t been fantastic and I’m at a point where I’m on my knees for one side and I’m looking at the other side as if I’ve never seen it before. I think maybe I either didn’t want to see that side or I just subconsciously ignored it. . . . .I want to dislike that side, but I can’t. Both sides have fault with each other and I can’t combat that. They both lack in certain areas, neither of them can compensate for what they truly seek in one another. I can’t hate either one, I love them too much to hate either of them. I think I’m just confused. I’m a child and I’m trying to understand something that’s not mine, but if it’s not mine, why do I feel like I’m such a large chunk of it? Like somehow I’ve been involved? I probably got way to personal with this, but only one person is reading, so I don’t feel completely self conscious.