Midnight Musings of the Mind

My summer hasn’t exactly gone as I planned. I feel like I haven’t put enough of myself in what I need to get done and it has resulted in some mishaps that really had no excuse in regards to getting finished and being done. Although I’m trying not to feel like a complete failure, I’m finding it difficult to stay positive about myself. THIS has resulted in me not completing one of my major summer goals, which was to improve my self esteem. 


I feel a bit defeated because I’ve applied for many places and had nothing back, and as eager and trying as I’d like to be, I see that summer is over in a little over a month, I have a job that’s no where near enough to fill in the gap for college and I lost an opportunity to make money merely because I ‘felt I would set myself up for failure’. In actuality, I set myself up for failure by missing that opportunity, leaving me kind of sad and disappointed with myself. I can’t be too upset because it’s my own fault for searching back and forth for a job when there was one right in front of me that the manager was happy to give me despite my reluctant spirit. It would have been something to get used to but it would have also been money in my pocket. 


I’ve decided to treat this a bit like mahjong and find my way around this so I still end this with some shred of happiness and money. I still have my mini poster business and although most of my customers are non-paying relatives and friends, maybe they could rake in a few requests for me so that I can at least make enough to pay for books and a little to put in a savings account to build interest over the year. I’ve also found a few more scholarship opportunities that will really help. They’re about $1,500 and I think in terms of what tuition is left for me to pay after FAFSA and scholarship money, I’ll be on my way to filling in the amount more than I thought if I can win the scholarship contests.


I can say I’m trying. I’m not really happy, sort of pissed off at myself, but trying to break through this is a lot better than beating myself up for failing so much. My dad’s right, I can’t make excuses like ‘I procrastinated’ or ‘I didn’t know’ or ‘I’m stupid’ because it all comes down to the fact that it didn’t get done and it was my responsibility. So instead of making excuses I have to take responsibility for my errors and my wrongs because I have no excuses and if I did there would be no room for them. 


2 thoughts on “Midnight Musings of the Mind

  1. that’s right. Don’t complain on mistakes, just learn from it to do better and improve yourself. I’m sure you will manage 🙂 i wish you good luck too 🙂

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