My weekend was not spectacular, but I didn’t expect it to be. I feel like I’m going against many of the goals I set this summer. This week, though, I need to get back on track.
I think that’s probably the hardest part for me: allowing myself to stay on the same path. I’ll get off that path due to silly things like fear, anxiety, and whatever else. I think if I just stopped being so fearful of failure or rejection, I wouldn’t feel so sheltered and childish when it comes to things that call for a higher level of maturity and experience. Just recently, I was working and my supervisor asked me to do something and instead of having faith in myself, and doing as they asked, I simply told them to ask for assistance from another employee and realized how child-like and immature I sounded. As an employee, I should’ve been more than willing to do whatever that was asked of me, seeing that this was what I was hired for and because of this, I feel like more of a liability than an asset.
I’m young, but there’s many things I need to do to continue the ‘growing up’ process of life. There are so many 18 year olds that have way more experience and maturity when it comes to things outside of home that often I feel like a little kid in their presence. I may know how to take care of myself and take care of children, but I need job experience, social experience, and better communication skills. The ability to let go of these faults and build off of them to better myself proves to be even more difficult. I get very angry when I’m unable to do something extremely simple. How I see myself also factors into that. Pinpointing my strengths over my weaknesses is an uphill battle itself. I’d like to be able to think positively about myself as others do, but I feel that I haven’t reached a point of positivity or negativity. I’ve merely hit a point of neutrality in which I placate/tolerate myself rather than fully dealing with the very teeth pulling like task of finding something good about myself for more than two seconds, as well as facing my major flaws.
I feel that I’m tolerating myself because that’s how others treat me. That I’m meant to be tolerated more than appreciated. I’ve only really encountered a few people that don’t tolerate me, but appreciate my existence, which is nice to have.
Well, I should get sleep. Hopefully, I’ll have some type of topic this week to fill the void of my summer.